The elderly gentleman next door is a real fanatic about his landscaping. He landscapes all day, every day, spring, summer and fall. I'm convinced this old Yankee sprinkles plant fertilizer on his asparagus at mealtime, in lieu of salt! But he's full of landscaping tips for preparing the yard for spring. I became convinced of his wisdom one day as another March came to a close. April Fools' Day was looming large when I overheard a conversation between him (I'll call him "Landscaper") and some passersby sorely in need of landscaping tips (I'll call them the "Village Idiots"). The conversation that spring day between the Landscaper and the Village Idiots went something like this:
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Village Idiots:
- The ground is thawed now, so we can begin rototilling to prepare the soil in our gardens, can't we?
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Landscaper:
- Not so fast, you hasty Village Idiots! A rule of thumb for rototilling is to pick up a lump of soil, and squeeze it in your hand. If it is dry enough to fall apart slowly, then your gardens are ready for rototilling. Otherwise, it's too muddy, and you'll just end up spending all your time scraping mud off the tines of your machine while you're rototilling.
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Village Idiots:
- Okay, we understand now. You can't rush Mother Nature, and she treats the impatient harshly. You're saying we really can't do anything to hurry along Mother Nature in the garden, right?
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Landscaper:
- Wrong again, you Village Idiots! Refraining from haste doesn't mean refraining from work altogether. If you spread black plastic mulching sheets over the garden area to draw heat to it, you help the soil to warm up faster.
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Village Idiots:
- We see you have your pruning shears out, old Landscaper. This must be a good time for pruning back all your shrubs?
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Landscaper:
- Easy with the pruning, you Village Idiots! Let me give you a landscaping tip. Some flowering shrubs flower on last year's growth, not new growth. So pruning them now means no flowers later. Study your shrubs' growth habits before pruning them!
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Village Idiots:
- We want to eradicate poison ivy from our land this year. With little vegetation around in spring to get in the way, we figure we'll just rip the old poison ivy vines off the trees where they're growing and burn them. Pretty smart thinking, huh?
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Landscaper:
- Dumb thinking, you Village Idiots. Burning poison ivy is dangerous, as you can end up inhaling its poison through the smoke. And even though the spring vines look "old," the poison is still potent. Old things can still be vigorous, you young Village Idiots!
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Village Idiots:
- Old Landscaper, considering your love of flowers, do you find it hard to wait for the flowers to come out, so that you can cut some and bring them in to cheer the house?
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Landscaper:
- You Village Idiots, I do have flowers in my house, already. Forsythia branches can be cut in March and forced to bloom inside. Just stick them in water. But nothing could "force" you to become more savvy about landscaping, you hopeless Village Idiots.
But the old one wasn’t finished furnishing his disciples with landscape help. The conversation between the Landscaper and the Village Idiots continues on Page 2. But will the Village Idiots remain foolish, or give the old man a taste of his own medicine...?
